Houseisms – Some Quotes

House M.D has become undoubtedly my favorite TV show and I followed each of the six seasons (and hopefully the on-coming 7th season too). Gregory House, portrayed by Hugh Laurie, is one of the most electrifying character ever created. It would take too much words to describe his personality. In short he is a cynical-genius-addict who seemingly does not care about anyone. Yet his actions sometimes proved the opposite. His curiosity, sarcasm and unethical behaviors (such as use of unconventional treatments ) make the show even more interesting. House is a polyglot, atheist and he only takes complex cases and expect to find a rare diagnosis.

Most of this best quotes (and dialogues) are :

.

Everybody lies.

.

As the philosopher Jagger once said, ‘You can’t always get what you want.’

.

“If he gets better, I’m right, if he dies, you’re right.”

.

Dr. House: He did however get hit with a bullet. Just mentioning.

Dr. Cameron: He was shot?

Dr. House: No, somebody threw it at him.

.

Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?

.

“Thirteen, go stick a needle in your girlfriend’s pelvis–and no, that one’s not a metaphor. Suck out some marrow. That one was.”

.

“If her DNA was off by one percentage point she’d be a dolphin.”

.

“You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a- I can’t think of a non-sexual metaphor.”

.

“If he gets better, I’m right, if he dies, you’re right.”

.

“The simplest explanation is almost always somebody screwed up.”

.

“Did you come for my feelings? Because I left ‘em in my other pants.”

.

“I’ll be in my office. By myself. Lots of porn piling up on the Internet. It doesn’t download itself.”

.

“It’s a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what.”

.

Cuddy: “Is that Vicodin?”

House: “Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me.”

.

“I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back’s turned you wait in line?”

“Treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.”

.

Foreman: “You stash your drugs in a Lupus text-book.”
House: “It’s never Lupus.”

.

Team: “We got rectal bleeding.”
House: “What, all of you?”

.

Dr. Cuddy: You don’t prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don’t since Tuskegee  and Mengele.

Dr. House: You’re comparing me to a Nazi? [admiringly] Nice .

.

House: You know why you’re black?

Patient: God loves me more than he does you?

.

Dr. House: [to black Senator] You’re not going to become President either way. They don’t call it the White House because of the paint job.

.

Dr. House: Someday there will be a gay president. Someday there will be a black president. There might even be a gay black president. But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black and dead.

.

House: The only thing you know is that I’m a genius who got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don’t know how I did it, or more interestingly, where I peed.

.

House: [Sees Cuddy's breasts in a low-cut top] I’ve forgotten it.

House: I guess it’s no big deal since I was only using it as an excuse to come check out Patty and Selma

Cuddy: I feel bad. I haven’t named your testicles.

House: Word on the street is you set a new personal best for low-cut.

Cuddy: I don’t know why you chose to give them names of somebody’s aunts.

House: It’s a compliment. They’re always smoking.

.

House: This envelope is oddly medical-license-shaped.

Foreman [Chase and Cameron walk into House's office]: House is back in charge. We get to treat a porn star.

.

House: So when you watch Star Wars, which side do you root for?

.

Dr. Cameron: What about sex?

Dr. House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.

Dr. Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.

Dr. House: Heh, nice cover. [winks]

.

Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I’m Doctor Gregory House; you can call me “Greg.” I’m one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she’s much too busy to deal with you. I am a board certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn’t it? But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you are particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It’s mine! You can’t have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem… but who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?

.

Patient’s Mother: How can you just sit there?

Dr. House: If I eat standing up, I spill.

.

Dr. Foreman: I think your argument is specious.

Dr. House: I think your tie is ugly.

.

Lucas Palmero: This is a good hospital?

Dr. House: Depends what you mean by “good”. [looks around] I like these chairs.

.

“Half the people I save don’t deserve a second chance.”

.

Nun: “Sister Augustine believes in things that aren’t real.”
House: “I thought that was a job requirement for you people.”

.

“Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes everything”

.

“If you’re here to kill me and rape me, please do it in that order.”

“I’m a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits.”

.

“Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it’s great, but so you know, I’ve never made a tree.”

.

Wilson: “Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?”
House: “They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.”

.

Dr. House: I didn’t know it was possible for a woman to be unusually irritable.

Dr. Cameron: Nice try, but you’re a misanthrope, not a misogynist.

.

“I had a heart attack this morning. I can’t do any more drugs till at least lunch.”

.

“That arrogant son of a b*tch is the best doctor we have!” Cuddy

.

“Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.”

.

Cuddy: What are you doing here? A patient?
House: No, a hooker. Came to my office instead of my home.

.

Dr.Foreman: The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.

Dr.House:That’s the way calculus presents.

.

“If you talk to god, you’re religious. If god talks to you, you’re psychotic”

.

Dr. Cuddy: You know, there are other ways to manage pain.
Dr. House: Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?

.

Dr. Conway: Dr. Jamie Conway. I’ve heard your name.

House: Most people have: It’s also a noun.

.

House: You have a brain tumor.

Emo-Punk: You’re kidding, right?

House: If I was kidding, I’d be dressed like you.

.

Dr. Wilson: What the hell happened in Baltimore?!

Dr. House: Sorry. Never kiss and tell.

.

Dr. Weber: Do I know you?

Dr. House: I know your math skills…they blow

.

Dr. Weber: I know…I know you.

Dr. House: Sure you do, Dick.

Dr. Weber: The name’s Philip.

Dr. House: My bad. Something to do with your face – I always think your name is Dick.

.

Dr. Wilson: How’d you get here?

Dr. House: By osmosis.

.

Dr. Foreman: Why would your mind go to abuse so fast?

Dr. House: I had a funny uncle.

Dr. Foreman: You were abused?

Dr. House: What? No. Why’d your mind go to that so fast. I just had a funny uncle. Great stories, always filthy.

.

Dr. House: Put your clothes back on. I’m going to cut your balls off, and then you’ll be fine.

.

Dr. Cameron: His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left.

Dr. House: Cool!

.

[Wilson is buying a box of chocolates]

Dr. House: Who’s the lucky woman?

Dr. Wilson: My wife.

Dr. House: I don’t want to know who gets the chocolates. I want to know who you’re having the affair with.

.

Woman: [Marches up to Dr. Cuddy and annouces, without preface] I am not having an affair with my daughter’s karate instructor, and I did not give my husband herpes.

Dr. Cuddy: [Grabs a passing nurse] Go find out where House is.

.

Dr. House: You wake up in the morning, your paint’s peeling, your curtains are gone, and your water is boiling, which problem do you deal with first?!

Dr. Foreman: House.

Dr. House: None of them, the building’s on fire!

.

Dr. House: [to Chase, in front of a girl he's talking to] Hey! How’s that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d come back for seconds. I figured after that girl in the stairwell, you’d be done for the night.

.

Dr. House: I fear for the human race. A teenager claims to be the voice of God and people with advanced degrees are listening.

.

Boyd: The nurses talk about you a lot.

Dr. House: Don’t believe them. I keep a sock in my pants.

.

Boyd: I have a gift!

Dr. House: A gift is jewelry, socks – what you have is herpes encephalitis.

.

(House has just shot a corpse.)

Man: [peering in] Did anyone just hear a—?

Dr. House: I shot him! He’s dead!

.

Dr. Cameron: Foreman is black.

Dr. House: What?! How long have you been sitting on this information?

.

(about fat patient.)

Dr. House: Start treating Jabba for Pickwicken Syndrome. His 96 double Zs are probably putting pressure on his chest and suffocating him….what’s normal for a hippopotamus…Lets see what Shamu’s been up to besides eating. This conversation is over because I’ve officially run out of clever things to call the guy.

.

Dr. Cuddy: You can’t lift your arm.

Dr. House: You can’t pee standing up.

.

Maddy: Are you high?

Dr. House: Higher than you.

.

[Cuddy pulls the guitar cord out of the amp]

Dr. Cuddy: You’ve spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert’s over.

Dr. House: In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen’s two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?.

.